Saturday, December 31, 2011

A deservingly stupid EOY meta-list.


[I apologize in advance if you find this post offensively unfunny. I can only say with certainty that I think I'm humorous.] THERE SEEMS TO BE an excess of top-lists in the internet world. Even in this-here relative ark of sanity some hack has managed to toss in a list about the 'best' movies or something, a conclusive thing like a funeral, sending off at sea the preceding year, decade, and century. In a floating wooden box so that the culture-waste might wash up the random shore, or otherwise orbit the web of garbage alleged to be the size of Texas! In parody and in honor of these squandered clicks, that appear in yours and mine Google News page, seducing good men and women with the secret to happiness in life: The whitest bleaches for removing gravy stains. The best apps for engaging in anonysex with twenty-something homosexual lawyers. Most popular weights of paper for printing office memos regarding kitchen cleanliness. Quietest hammers for night-time construction work. Music lists from magazines scared of their readers so that every genre is mashed together, with requisite token spots for bestselling albums, Radiohead or Coldplay and even some harpsichord revivalism (it's coming back!) for the lunatic fringe.

Now that it has been established that lists are made for everything, I've decided to contribute a few of my own worthless microlists. Join in, I'll append.

Hottest US Cabinet members of the year:
  1. Hillary
  2. Geithner
  3. Panetta
  4. Holder
Best songs directed at telephone operators I've listened to:
  1. "Satellite", Kills
  2. "Little Black Submarine", Black Keys 
Best foods I tasted for the first time this year:
  1. Cashews 
  2. Waffles 
  3. Black Coffee 
Top colors of the year containing diphthong 'au':
  1. Taupe
  2. Mauve 
  3. Auburn 
  4. Jaundice
Best books of all time with years for titles:
  1. 1914
  2. 1939
  3. 1984
  4. 1Q84
  5. 2001
  6. 2666