Minneapolis is better than [other cities] because [of everything]

Photo taken on a lunch break
by yours truly

Minneapolis was named America's Gayest City by The Advocate! That's pretty fun, and it's especially awesome because The Advocate, while they admit that the criteria on which the cities were judged were not particularly scientific, based the results on the ways in which cities are most gay-friendly. Minneapolis as a winner, though, was surprising to, well, everyone. As Mike Albo of The Advocate says,

Gay issues have never been more of a lightning rod. Pop culture has never been so gleefully gay. And politicians have never been more gay-accepting — or at least gay-aware. But no matter how visible LGBT people seem to be, there are some folks who still think we all live in Chelsea, West Hollywood, and the Castro. But, of course, that’s far from the case.

Those coastal city dwellers just can't let us Midwestern states have anything! They always have to argue, saying that they just don't get why Minneapolis is so freaking awesome all the time. Brian Moylan of Gawker (and, apparently, a resident of New York City) rages:

What are we New Yorkers going to do to redeem our image? Are we going to have to get Liza Minnelli to pave Broadway in glitter? Do we have to light up the Empire State Building in Manhunt's distinctive blue and orange? Does Michael Musto have to put on Lady Gaga's meat dress every day of the week? What does a city have to do to get on this list? We need to know!

I know, I know. He's just trying to be funny, but it reminds me of my latest annoyance, which is how little attention Minneapolitans get for being awesome. The only Midwestern city that gets any attention is Chicago, and usually it has something to do with how corrupt the entire state of Illinois is! Minneapolis is so much more awesome than Chicago! And I admit it, I've never been to NYC or LA, and have only driven through Chicago and not really spent any quality time there, but MINNEAPOLIS IS BETTER, ANYWAY! I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I JUST DO! I'm sorry you're not gayer than us, New York, but you'll have to deal with it.

I had some serious competition.

And Oregonians? Minneapolis totally pwnd you on bike trails, even though it's fucking freezing and snowing here all the time. As one former disbeliever noted, after she had begun wrapping up her trip to Minneapolis where she had tried to figure out what was so great about Minneapolis and cycling says:

I have told some of my friends that I am considering moving to Minneapolis, and I actually do think of moving, brown sugar and boiler plate be damned. Without knowing why, I have fallen in love with the cycling culture in Minneapolis. I tell my friends how nice the cyclists there are, how even the badass Black Flag group sponsors a community shop that makes bikes for poor kids, how the most misanthropic frame builder in the world is a secretly sweet guy who is always losing money because he is forever giving away his homemade frames. (He recently donated one to the vigilantes.) I still receive responses to my Mplsbikelove.com posting, outpourings of information, ride invitations, passionate (and long) discourses on the fun of this uniquely local cycling experience.

And in comparing cyclists from Minneapolis with those from more widely-publicized cities:

That's when the Grand Unified Theory of Minneapolis Cycling reveals itself. Here is a woman who commutes 20 miles round-trip four days a week, at least five months a year, yet does not consider herself a "serious cyclist." Maybe that's the secret. Maybe—along with decades of legislative support and a responsive government and friendly landscape and a cheerful community of cyclists—the Grand Unified Theory hinges on something essentially and particularly indigenous to the Midwest. Other cities might get more publicity, might brag about their famous hill and their local legends. In Minneapolis, cyclists (Noren nothwithstanding) don't talk as much about cycling as they do it, through ice skids, along snowy bike superhighways, in the dead of winter and every other season. In Minneapolis, people ride and don't consider it that big a deal.

Fun concert in Minneapolis
(Seconds Before, taken by
me)

And while we're at it, more-popular-coastal-cities, Minneapolis is home to a great arts community, we make fantastic beer, we have a stellar Congressman and two great Senators, we've voted to implement Instant Runoff Voting (or Ranked Choice Voting) in our local elections (LIKE AGES AGO!), Sarah Palin got her accent from us, we have the best state fair around, and our hipsters are less stuck up than yours.

Me, in the snow, displaying its depth

Furthermore, we are far more badass than all of you when it comes to snow and the cold. Just last Monday I walked uphill in the snow (only one way, though) and blustery cold for almost a mile just to get to class! And I hardly even complained! More than a few times, anyway! And when it finally gets up to 40 degrees in 6 months, I won't wear a coat. But I bet you do, Californians. You probably whine about how coooooooooold it is, huh? Yeah. Well, I may not be as tan as you, but I sure am adept at shoveling snow and scraping ice off my windshield.

So THERE!

PS: No offense to all of you lovely readers, family members, or friends who may live in one of the cities I decided were not cooler than Minneapolis. I'm sure your cities are... fine...

*All pictures in this post were taken by me, except the one that is of me, in the snow.

Who comes up with this material?

Near the end of a post talking about a list of 21 Things Women Can Do That Men Can't April briefly mentions a list of 10 Things That Men Can Do That Women Can't. Like the list April goes after it pretty much depends on the gender roles that are forced on us based on mostly our biological make up. Here goes.

No.10 - Go Topless
Sure, women can go topless on the beach, but we can do it whenever and wherever we please. Walking down the street? Off. Mowing the lawn? Off. Street ball? Skins. Rollerblading -- women can try it, but it might be painful. Still in doubt? What gender do you think is responsible for “No Shirts. No Shoes. No Service.”? Useless nipples and the lack of oversized sweat glands are the reasons for this entry on our list of things only men can do.
1. From what I understand women are free to go topless in many more places than people know.
2. As for the gender responsible its not a matter of gender but a matter of it being those at the top that can't handle the site of topless women (yes you can argue that most of those at the top are men but those very few do not represent us all so there is no need for the blanket, "Itz teh menz!").
3a. I don't know about other guys but my nipples aren't useless. They are quite useful in the realm of sexual pleasure.
3b. I don't have a pair but I'm pretty sure there more going on with women's beasts than sweat.

No.9 - Hold our liquor
Sorry ladies, we’re genetically wired to pack it away a lot better than you. Men produce more of the protective enzyme alcohol dehydrogenase, which breaks down alcohol. This ultimately means that while you’re buzzing off one Cosmo and saying “I love this song” for five songs straight, we can enjoy another two whisky sours and continue to debate whether or not the world can be saved from global warming.
Oh there is so much more to alcohol tolerance than biology. Hell I've met women half my size (and I mean that literally, I'm a big guy) that can out drink me. But this does setup the idea that when a woman hurls at the end of the night its shrugged off as being okay she's just a woman while men that hurl at the end of the night are clowned for not being able to hold their liquor (but without the referencing to being a woman mind you). I have two pieces of advice for drinking tolerance. First learn your body. Learn what you like and don't like. Learn what you can mix and can't mix (don't listen to people trying to tell you catchphrases, you need to learn for yourself what you can and can't do). Learn your limits and act accordingly (as in knowing when you can cut loose and when you need to cut back). Second stick to your guns. Don't let anyone talk you into drinking something you know you don't like or can't drink. Don't let anyone talk you into going beyond the limits you are comfortable with. To the devil with peer pressure.

No.8 - Manscape
The playoff beard, the love canal, the Fu Manchu, and the goatee are strictly male innovations, and growing them are things only men can do. Plus we can wear chest, underarm, leg, ear, and nose hair as proudly and loudly as we like. Women? Sure they can imitate our Sasquatch look, but like the Sasquatch, they might limit their survival to a small band of tree huggers, who also share their “natural” beauty.
There are indeed women that can grow facial hair. But here are two forces at work here. A woman that doesn't shave may her womanhood challenged (because she is "supposed to be" all pretty and hairless right?) and a man doesn't have facial hair may have his manhood challenged (because a man that doesn't have facial hair is a "boy/kid/babyface" aka not a "real man").

No.7 - Navigate spatially
Men are much better at seeing things as they really are -- in 3-D. True, the fact that we can see Spy Kids 3-D in focus is no reward, but our superior ability to see shapes also improves our abilities in geometry and math. This explains why more men are math geniuses than women. Sure, the journal Science declared otherwise in 2008 and we are socialized to believe girls are less competent in this realm, but tradition is a hard thing to beat.
Other than the stereotypes surrounding math (boys are good at it and girls are not, and woe be the soul that doesn't live up to their expectation) I'm not sure what the hell is going on here.

No.6 - Shave our heads
Sure, Natalie Portman, Sigourney Weaver and Demi Moore all sheared their locks for Hollywood, but as a true lifestyle choice in everyday society, guys have mastered the bald top. From Michael Jordan to David Beckham to Samuel L. Jackson guys wear bald better. Still need more proof? Just look at bald Britney. Result: Shaving our heads is something only men can do.
Okay I personally think that men do pull off the bald head better than women but I would not say its something that women simply cannot do. And besides I don't think my personal opinion should have much bearing on what anyone does for their hairstyle (because your personal opinion isn't going to stop me and my Fro).

No.5 - Play real sports
Be honest; which of these would you prefer to watch: WNBA or NBA? NHL or women’s hockey? NFL or women’s rugby? MLB or softball? We understand that women play plenty of sports and, yes, they are good athletes, but their sports are a snoozefest to watch. An example, in the WNBA a slam dunk stops the presses, while in the NBA, unless it’s a back reverse through three defenders, it’s just another two points.
That's a low blow there. Just as men/boys through out the ages have been pushed to partake in sports (even when they don't want to) women/girls have been pushed out of sports. But soccer (or football depending on where you're from) is one of the most popular sports in the world and on the World Cup front I really think the American Women's World Cup team could beat the American Men's World Cup team. And I the Canadian and American Women's Olympic Hockey teams from this past Winter Olympics were no joke.

No.4 - Fertilize eggs
Call it mankind, humankind or peoplekind, we have fertilized history. Yes, our swimmers are under siege from early scientific studies that show women can create sperm from their own bone marrow. And of course, studies are also underway to grow babies out of the womb. Are these studies headed by lesbians? Anyway, until our offspring are named 1765A and 1766B, our tadpoles will continue to hit the target.
This is a biological cop out just like women claiming that they can handle pain better than men and then mention childbirth. This is pretty much trying to hold biology over the other gender's head. But no need to knock the lesbians though.

No.3 - Pee standing up
Full bladder, but there’s a line for the urinal? Just step outside and pee behind a dumpster. On a camping trip? Pee and lean against a tree to steady your flow. While women have to unzip, pull down and crouch before they can go, our process is pretty simple: Find some cover, unzip and go. And if we want to write our name in the snow, we can see exactly what we’re doing.
This is a matter of biology, not gender. The advantage of peeing while standing leans toward people who have penises but all penis carriers aren't men. And there are products cropping up all the time that allow for those that don't to do it as well.

No.2 - F*** things
Yep, we can stick ourselves into the middle of things better than anything else. Of course, some of us can do it better than others, but no amount of plastic pegs, rods or mambas can come close to our natural technique.
But those with vaginas can envelope things. And from what I hear it can be quite pleasurable. Well that and there is more to fucking that penises and vaginas. And from what I hear many of those options can be quite pleasurable as well. When you really get to it both men and women can Fuck things. And from what I hear it can be quite pleasurable.

No.1 - Age well
Sorry ladies, all your creams, moisturizers and youth-in-a-bottle remedies have nothing on us. Our male hormones give us thicker skin, which means we get fewer wrinkles and our skin stays younger longer. While women have Joan Rivers to look forward to, we have Sean Connery. Keith Richards? Well, we’ll just count him as a genetic anomaly.
Do you really think that's true?

Well now stuff like this doesn't make a good case for "men's publications" not does it?

Did the patriarchy write this?

For fun, I will debunk Cosmo's stupid checklist about what women can do that men can't.


1. Get pregnant: Sure, guys contribute but they’ll never get as close (literally!) as we get to our own babies.

YAY! Everyone I know who's been pregnant is superhappy that she's the one who gets to go through hours and hours of excruciating pain. On the other hand, many women love the experience of pregnancy. This one's all right-- but I wouldn't necessarily call it awesome. After all, with the ability to become pregnant comes the obvious pain and otherwise crappy side-effects, doctors who don't listen to your preferences when it comes to giving birth, know-it-all friends and family, the inability to choose whether or not to remain pregnant without people having a very painful opinion about it, and of course, being murdered.

2. Fake it: Cue the famous scene from When Harry Met Sally. Enough said.

Wait, are you saying that we're supposed to like "faking it"? When did this become an enviable thing to do? If you're consistently faking it, there's a problem with your sex life that isn't being addressed. It probably has something to do with being insecure, having an inconsiderate partner, or some variation of both.

3. Ask for directions: We have no problem pulling over and asking for help. Consulting the GPS doesn't count either, boys.

Feminist critique? Of course we don't have a problem asking for help. It's all we have after having the feeling of being helpless and incompetent ingrained into our systems from day one.

4. Look sexy while sipping fruity cocktails: What guy do you know can look hot with a pink drink in his hand? Oh, and by the way, we look damn good drinking beer too.

Way to make fun of men who like fruity drinks. This could also be easily read as homophobic. Also, where have you been? Women are routinely ridiculed for apparently only liking fruity, pink drinks with umbrellas in them. When is this actually seen as a positive thing? Oh, right, when men can't do it because of a societal expectation to not look feminine. Right.

5. Live longer: It’s a fact, women live five to ten years longer than men. Plenty of time to take a few more vacations, have a few more orgasms, and maybe hook another hubby.

This is all fine and dandy until you mention stupid things, like finding more husbands. Thanks for reaffirming that we should only care about dudes.

6. Have multiple orgasms: No need for us to wait and, um, reload.

Good point, although many men are capable of multiple orgasms, so this is only a good point if you don't consider the inaccuracy of it.

7. Multitask: We can talk to our BFF on the phone, while watching America’s Next Top Model and doing lunges. No sweat.

I love talking to my BFF on the phone about how I'm doing lunges so I can feel like I'm a worthy person while I watch a bunch of uberskinny hot chicks compete for the title of Skinniest Hot Chick, or Hottest Skinny Chick. Makes me feel awesome.

8. Get a new last name: Or just drop it all together, à la Fergie and Madonna.

My husband changed his last name, as did I. Actually, if you want to change your name, all you have to do is fill out some paperwork and go to court. Male or female. Pretty straightforward. You don't even have to be getting married.

9. Wear skirts: They keep us sooo much cooler in the summer than men’s shorts. Plus, a hot mini is sure to score us a few free drinks at the bar.

It's becoming painfully difficult to avoid sarcasm here. Guys can wear skirts, too. There aren't any real rules regarding what men and women can wear-- only social norms. Stop reinforcing them. And we all know that the more free drinks you accept from a stranger at a bar, the more you're expected to have sex with the dude buying them for you. Because at bars, single women are apparently viewed as prostitutes-- only, we'll accept beer and fruity alcoholic crap instead of cash.

10. Get out of a speeding ticket: A little smile and a “Sorry, officer” is all it takes to get off scot-free.

Except when it isn't. Like all the times I got speeding tickets, no matter how hot I looked.

11. Become a cougar, not a dirty old man: Sure, the idea of an older man sounds hot, but the reality is often a skeezy shmuck. Cougars, however, are fierce. Like: Demi Moore.

Demi Moore is hot because she spent a great deal of money of extensive plastic surgery. She's able to be married to Ashton Kutcher because they look the same age, and they look the same age because of her plastic surgery.

12. Wing it on the dance floor...convincingly: Guys will be so busy checking out your shaking booty, they won’t even notice you’re not a great dancer.

Men are incapable of existing around women, because there are butts around! Oh god, don't let them see boobs, or they might start the place on fire!

13. Wear high-heels: They add four inches to our height and make our legs look fab. Hey guys, what do your ratty old sneakers do for your physique?

It doesn't matter what guys' ratty old sneakers do for their physique, because nobody associates shoes with a guy's attractiveness. Unlike women, who are constantly valued only for their physical appearances.

14. Flirt with the bouncer: We bat our eyes at the doorman and get in the door with no cover charge. If a guy were to try it, we’re thinking he might get kicked out of line.

We get in because we're women, not because we bat our eyelashes. Women get in because men will buy them drinks, and everyone wants to see a hot woman dancing. And let's please stop encouraging women to use "feminine wiles" to get what they want. That reinforces the idea that that's all we have. And that's infuriating to women like myself, who want to be accepted based on merit and character, not looks.

15. Blame it on PMS: Just say the words "cramp," "tampon" or “period” and men instantly let you have your way.

And then everyone will blame your legitimate anger or sadness on PMS, even when you're not on the rag!

16. Grow out our hair: We miss a haircut appointment and our hair just looks longer and sexier. Guys miss theirs and they start looking like they’re homeless.

Homeless people suck, and so do long-haired guys. Got it.

17. Cover up a zit: Both men and women are prone to blemishes, but one of the sexes has a multitude of concealers and creams at their disposal to cover them up.

Poor guys. It totally sucks when a guy wants some concealer for the zits he rarely gets by virtue of all that testosterone and lack of significant hormonal fluctuations, and that mean old lady at the cosmetic counter slaps his writs and tells him he's the wrong gender for cosmetics.

18. Get aroused without the entire room knowing it: We don’t have to cross our legs or grab the nearest textbook whenever we get turned on in public.

Yeah, I'm actually really happy about this particular difference. I don't envy random erections, at all.

19. Wear a thong: They make our ass look great and are a surefire way to turn on a guy. If a dude tried donning one, well, it would just look gross!

What, exactly, would be grosser about a man wearing a thong, compared to a woman wearing one? Is there a significant different between men's butts and women's? Who cares, anyway? Thongs are hideous and uncomfortable and actually look really stupid on everyone.

20. Get a manicure: Hanging at the nail salon is just a normal day for a woman. But a guy getting a mani/pedi is bound to get weird looks.

If this were even true anymore, it would not be worth celebrating that only women can get away with doing. And anyway, I don't know any woman who thinks sitting at a nail salon is part of a "normal" day. Who are these people? I am beginning to suspect their existence.

21. Make a longer list of our talents. The Askmen* list was pretty short with only ten measly items on it. Oh, well. Looks like we win again!

Cute! It's a boys vs. girls contest! I love these. Yay.

God, I hate Cosmo.

*I'll write a post about the Askmen checklist some other time.

Corporation running for Congress

Oh my god. I can hardly contain my laughter. This is the best, most well-played response I can think of to the recent Supreme Court ruling.


This just in (why is the internet so full of hilarity today?!); check out A Trailer for Every Academy Award-Winning Movie Ever.

Obligatory Superbowl Ad Post

Only, I'm going to talk about the ones I did like.



In this commercial, you have a group of women meeting for their book club. The host's husband comes downstairs and says goodbye, as he's off to do something more fun than a girly book club, until he sees that the ladies have Bud Light! So in order to get some Bud Light (these commercials act as though these people can never just go get their own), husband sticks around and pretends to be into the book club. Oh, look at how much he's willing to sacrifice -- acting like a girl! -- to get some Bud Light! Must be great beer... Not to mention, he's got a one-track mind, like all men. Beer, and ladies! Those are the desires that drive him, he just can't help it.

That's the obvious, run-of-the-mill sexism. What I liked was that the women were not portrayed as superficial airheads, and they were drinking beer. Not beer that was blatantly advertised as "girly," not beer that over-emphasized it's lack of carbs or calories, but just beer.

Beer companies never advertise to women! Ever! It's as though they believe that women are naturally born to loathe anything that doesn't taste like a strawberry filled with high fructose corn syrup.

Anyway. This pleased me.

And the next:



Once again, Bud Light FTW! I have exactly the same thing to say about this one as the last. There's the constant reinforcement that men are reckless, one-track-minded idiots, but there's a non-condescending, non-degrading portrayal of the women in the ad. The woman is the one who is trying to get them off the island, and succeeding in her specialized knowledge of electronics, and she's not portrayed as un-feminine (to be un-feminine, of course, would mean that she is unattractive and unpleasant).

Well, thanks, Bud Light, for noticing that not only are women not stupid, and not only do we not exist simply as an object of drunk men's desires, but that we also like beer!

...And next year, can you please try to show men being at least halfway human, as well?

Ha.

Religions are funny.

Despite being raised in a fairly Christian environment to some degree or another, and a brief foray into that evangelical Christian youth group... thing... I am not a religious person. I don't identify with any particular mainstream religion or any of the "fringe" religions that some of my peers (20-something, middle-class white people) find appealing (why are all the 20-something white kids in Uptown Buddhist? I'm skeptical). I have tried, because I thought that it was important for me to do so, and I have come out of those experiences with more understanding, but not with any particular god or belief system winning me over.

Because of my lack of religious or spiritual belief or dedication, I often find jokes made at the expense of various religions and those who practice them quite funny. A couple feminist blogs recently linked to a video of a group of rapping Christians promoting the "Christian Side Hug," as opposed to a normal hug which may accidentally arouse someone if they realize they're touching someone's breasts or crotch through several layers of clothing.

Ok, that's really hilarious. And the video is certainly making its rounds, as I received my very own Christian Side Hug on Thanksgiving when at imnotme's mom's house.

You know what else is hilarious?

-Muslim men think that when they die, they'll be greeted by a large number of their very own virgins to deflower in heaven;
-Jews believe that women are impure when menstruating;
-Catholics believe that if they tell a robed man behind a cage all the bad things they did, they are free from consequence;
-Muslim women believe they need to cover their hair, and sometimes their whole head, because they should be more modest than men;
-Muslims, Jews, and Christians believe that a person's natural inclination toward same-sex romantic relations are evil;
-Many polytheistic religions like Hinduism believe that there are several deities controlling their environment and lives.

(I'm obviously making vast generalizations.)

See, all religious people, regardless of which religion they practice, believe in some weird stuff. The fact that Christians are currently quite influential in Western society doesn't make that untrue. Can we please stop pretending that we can only make fun of powerful things, people, religions, ethnicities, companies, or belief systems?

Also, sometimes women do dumb stuff, and sometimes Muslims do dumb stuff, and sometimes Asians do dumb stuff. If we feel the need to call people out on their dumb decisions or make fun of their weird behaviors, can we please stop pretending that only certain groups get to be held accountable for their idiocy? Geez.

The lament above came from the comment thread over at the Feministe post, the one making fun of the Christian Side-Huggers. Of course that's hilarious; what isn't hilarious about a bunch of kids rapping about how you should leave room for the Holy Spirit in your hug? Der. But when I brought up the fact that the post was written solely for the purpose of making fun of Christians, especially young Christians, and that this would never fly if the object was Islam or Judaism or any other religion, people jumped all over me about how it's okay to do that when the object of the ridicule is an oppressive group, and that if another group is oppressed, they are basically untouchable when it comes to parodying or laughing at their beliefs or behaviors.

I don't believe that just because a group can reasonably claim to be oppressed in one particular society, that they are somehow freed of any critique of their choices and behaviors. I do not believe that criticizing oppressive practices or negative behaviors prevalent in an oppressed group further oppresses said group. Ignoring negative qualities because of a perceived disadvantages fosters acceptance of negative and damaging behaviors. Allowing some people or groups to be absolved of responsibility encourages negativity in all senses to further prevail.

Sorry, but I am of the belief that if one makes a choice, it's subject to criticism and judgment. While it's always a good idea to practice sensitivity and not be a jerk, if the behavior or attribute in question is not an inherent one, then it's open to be mocked. For example, I would not make fun of someone for being blind, but I would make fun of someone for wearing hipster glasses.

Critical-thinking caps, people! Don't take them off just because you're in the company of other progressive-minded folks!

Double-standard?

Who's 17? Edward is a 108-year-old vampire, and the actor who plays him is 23.

...Just sayin'.