Who comes up with this material?

Near the end of a post talking about a list of 21 Things Women Can Do That Men Can't April briefly mentions a list of 10 Things That Men Can Do That Women Can't. Like the list April goes after it pretty much depends on the gender roles that are forced on us based on mostly our biological make up. Here goes.

No.10 - Go Topless
Sure, women can go topless on the beach, but we can do it whenever and wherever we please. Walking down the street? Off. Mowing the lawn? Off. Street ball? Skins. Rollerblading -- women can try it, but it might be painful. Still in doubt? What gender do you think is responsible for “No Shirts. No Shoes. No Service.”? Useless nipples and the lack of oversized sweat glands are the reasons for this entry on our list of things only men can do.
1. From what I understand women are free to go topless in many more places than people know.
2. As for the gender responsible its not a matter of gender but a matter of it being those at the top that can't handle the site of topless women (yes you can argue that most of those at the top are men but those very few do not represent us all so there is no need for the blanket, "Itz teh menz!").
3a. I don't know about other guys but my nipples aren't useless. They are quite useful in the realm of sexual pleasure.
3b. I don't have a pair but I'm pretty sure there more going on with women's beasts than sweat.

No.9 - Hold our liquor
Sorry ladies, we’re genetically wired to pack it away a lot better than you. Men produce more of the protective enzyme alcohol dehydrogenase, which breaks down alcohol. This ultimately means that while you’re buzzing off one Cosmo and saying “I love this song” for five songs straight, we can enjoy another two whisky sours and continue to debate whether or not the world can be saved from global warming.
Oh there is so much more to alcohol tolerance than biology. Hell I've met women half my size (and I mean that literally, I'm a big guy) that can out drink me. But this does setup the idea that when a woman hurls at the end of the night its shrugged off as being okay she's just a woman while men that hurl at the end of the night are clowned for not being able to hold their liquor (but without the referencing to being a woman mind you). I have two pieces of advice for drinking tolerance. First learn your body. Learn what you like and don't like. Learn what you can mix and can't mix (don't listen to people trying to tell you catchphrases, you need to learn for yourself what you can and can't do). Learn your limits and act accordingly (as in knowing when you can cut loose and when you need to cut back). Second stick to your guns. Don't let anyone talk you into drinking something you know you don't like or can't drink. Don't let anyone talk you into going beyond the limits you are comfortable with. To the devil with peer pressure.

No.8 - Manscape
The playoff beard, the love canal, the Fu Manchu, and the goatee are strictly male innovations, and growing them are things only men can do. Plus we can wear chest, underarm, leg, ear, and nose hair as proudly and loudly as we like. Women? Sure they can imitate our Sasquatch look, but like the Sasquatch, they might limit their survival to a small band of tree huggers, who also share their “natural” beauty.
There are indeed women that can grow facial hair. But here are two forces at work here. A woman that doesn't shave may her womanhood challenged (because she is "supposed to be" all pretty and hairless right?) and a man doesn't have facial hair may have his manhood challenged (because a man that doesn't have facial hair is a "boy/kid/babyface" aka not a "real man").

No.7 - Navigate spatially
Men are much better at seeing things as they really are -- in 3-D. True, the fact that we can see Spy Kids 3-D in focus is no reward, but our superior ability to see shapes also improves our abilities in geometry and math. This explains why more men are math geniuses than women. Sure, the journal Science declared otherwise in 2008 and we are socialized to believe girls are less competent in this realm, but tradition is a hard thing to beat.
Other than the stereotypes surrounding math (boys are good at it and girls are not, and woe be the soul that doesn't live up to their expectation) I'm not sure what the hell is going on here.

No.6 - Shave our heads
Sure, Natalie Portman, Sigourney Weaver and Demi Moore all sheared their locks for Hollywood, but as a true lifestyle choice in everyday society, guys have mastered the bald top. From Michael Jordan to David Beckham to Samuel L. Jackson guys wear bald better. Still need more proof? Just look at bald Britney. Result: Shaving our heads is something only men can do.
Okay I personally think that men do pull off the bald head better than women but I would not say its something that women simply cannot do. And besides I don't think my personal opinion should have much bearing on what anyone does for their hairstyle (because your personal opinion isn't going to stop me and my Fro).

No.5 - Play real sports
Be honest; which of these would you prefer to watch: WNBA or NBA? NHL or women’s hockey? NFL or women’s rugby? MLB or softball? We understand that women play plenty of sports and, yes, they are good athletes, but their sports are a snoozefest to watch. An example, in the WNBA a slam dunk stops the presses, while in the NBA, unless it’s a back reverse through three defenders, it’s just another two points.
That's a low blow there. Just as men/boys through out the ages have been pushed to partake in sports (even when they don't want to) women/girls have been pushed out of sports. But soccer (or football depending on where you're from) is one of the most popular sports in the world and on the World Cup front I really think the American Women's World Cup team could beat the American Men's World Cup team. And I the Canadian and American Women's Olympic Hockey teams from this past Winter Olympics were no joke.

No.4 - Fertilize eggs
Call it mankind, humankind or peoplekind, we have fertilized history. Yes, our swimmers are under siege from early scientific studies that show women can create sperm from their own bone marrow. And of course, studies are also underway to grow babies out of the womb. Are these studies headed by lesbians? Anyway, until our offspring are named 1765A and 1766B, our tadpoles will continue to hit the target.
This is a biological cop out just like women claiming that they can handle pain better than men and then mention childbirth. This is pretty much trying to hold biology over the other gender's head. But no need to knock the lesbians though.

No.3 - Pee standing up
Full bladder, but there’s a line for the urinal? Just step outside and pee behind a dumpster. On a camping trip? Pee and lean against a tree to steady your flow. While women have to unzip, pull down and crouch before they can go, our process is pretty simple: Find some cover, unzip and go. And if we want to write our name in the snow, we can see exactly what we’re doing.
This is a matter of biology, not gender. The advantage of peeing while standing leans toward people who have penises but all penis carriers aren't men. And there are products cropping up all the time that allow for those that don't to do it as well.

No.2 - F*** things
Yep, we can stick ourselves into the middle of things better than anything else. Of course, some of us can do it better than others, but no amount of plastic pegs, rods or mambas can come close to our natural technique.
But those with vaginas can envelope things. And from what I hear it can be quite pleasurable. Well that and there is more to fucking that penises and vaginas. And from what I hear many of those options can be quite pleasurable as well. When you really get to it both men and women can Fuck things. And from what I hear it can be quite pleasurable.

No.1 - Age well
Sorry ladies, all your creams, moisturizers and youth-in-a-bottle remedies have nothing on us. Our male hormones give us thicker skin, which means we get fewer wrinkles and our skin stays younger longer. While women have Joan Rivers to look forward to, we have Sean Connery. Keith Richards? Well, we’ll just count him as a genetic anomaly.
Do you really think that's true?

Well now stuff like this doesn't make a good case for "men's publications" not does it?

Did the patriarchy write this?

For fun, I will debunk Cosmo's stupid checklist about what women can do that men can't.


1. Get pregnant: Sure, guys contribute but they’ll never get as close (literally!) as we get to our own babies.

YAY! Everyone I know who's been pregnant is superhappy that she's the one who gets to go through hours and hours of excruciating pain. On the other hand, many women love the experience of pregnancy. This one's all right-- but I wouldn't necessarily call it awesome. After all, with the ability to become pregnant comes the obvious pain and otherwise crappy side-effects, doctors who don't listen to your preferences when it comes to giving birth, know-it-all friends and family, the inability to choose whether or not to remain pregnant without people having a very painful opinion about it, and of course, being murdered.

2. Fake it: Cue the famous scene from When Harry Met Sally. Enough said.

Wait, are you saying that we're supposed to like "faking it"? When did this become an enviable thing to do? If you're consistently faking it, there's a problem with your sex life that isn't being addressed. It probably has something to do with being insecure, having an inconsiderate partner, or some variation of both.

3. Ask for directions: We have no problem pulling over and asking for help. Consulting the GPS doesn't count either, boys.

Feminist critique? Of course we don't have a problem asking for help. It's all we have after having the feeling of being helpless and incompetent ingrained into our systems from day one.

4. Look sexy while sipping fruity cocktails: What guy do you know can look hot with a pink drink in his hand? Oh, and by the way, we look damn good drinking beer too.

Way to make fun of men who like fruity drinks. This could also be easily read as homophobic. Also, where have you been? Women are routinely ridiculed for apparently only liking fruity, pink drinks with umbrellas in them. When is this actually seen as a positive thing? Oh, right, when men can't do it because of a societal expectation to not look feminine. Right.

5. Live longer: It’s a fact, women live five to ten years longer than men. Plenty of time to take a few more vacations, have a few more orgasms, and maybe hook another hubby.

This is all fine and dandy until you mention stupid things, like finding more husbands. Thanks for reaffirming that we should only care about dudes.

6. Have multiple orgasms: No need for us to wait and, um, reload.

Good point, although many men are capable of multiple orgasms, so this is only a good point if you don't consider the inaccuracy of it.

7. Multitask: We can talk to our BFF on the phone, while watching America’s Next Top Model and doing lunges. No sweat.

I love talking to my BFF on the phone about how I'm doing lunges so I can feel like I'm a worthy person while I watch a bunch of uberskinny hot chicks compete for the title of Skinniest Hot Chick, or Hottest Skinny Chick. Makes me feel awesome.

8. Get a new last name: Or just drop it all together, à la Fergie and Madonna.

My husband changed his last name, as did I. Actually, if you want to change your name, all you have to do is fill out some paperwork and go to court. Male or female. Pretty straightforward. You don't even have to be getting married.

9. Wear skirts: They keep us sooo much cooler in the summer than men’s shorts. Plus, a hot mini is sure to score us a few free drinks at the bar.

It's becoming painfully difficult to avoid sarcasm here. Guys can wear skirts, too. There aren't any real rules regarding what men and women can wear-- only social norms. Stop reinforcing them. And we all know that the more free drinks you accept from a stranger at a bar, the more you're expected to have sex with the dude buying them for you. Because at bars, single women are apparently viewed as prostitutes-- only, we'll accept beer and fruity alcoholic crap instead of cash.

10. Get out of a speeding ticket: A little smile and a “Sorry, officer” is all it takes to get off scot-free.

Except when it isn't. Like all the times I got speeding tickets, no matter how hot I looked.

11. Become a cougar, not a dirty old man: Sure, the idea of an older man sounds hot, but the reality is often a skeezy shmuck. Cougars, however, are fierce. Like: Demi Moore.

Demi Moore is hot because she spent a great deal of money of extensive plastic surgery. She's able to be married to Ashton Kutcher because they look the same age, and they look the same age because of her plastic surgery.

12. Wing it on the dance floor...convincingly: Guys will be so busy checking out your shaking booty, they won’t even notice you’re not a great dancer.

Men are incapable of existing around women, because there are butts around! Oh god, don't let them see boobs, or they might start the place on fire!

13. Wear high-heels: They add four inches to our height and make our legs look fab. Hey guys, what do your ratty old sneakers do for your physique?

It doesn't matter what guys' ratty old sneakers do for their physique, because nobody associates shoes with a guy's attractiveness. Unlike women, who are constantly valued only for their physical appearances.

14. Flirt with the bouncer: We bat our eyes at the doorman and get in the door with no cover charge. If a guy were to try it, we’re thinking he might get kicked out of line.

We get in because we're women, not because we bat our eyelashes. Women get in because men will buy them drinks, and everyone wants to see a hot woman dancing. And let's please stop encouraging women to use "feminine wiles" to get what they want. That reinforces the idea that that's all we have. And that's infuriating to women like myself, who want to be accepted based on merit and character, not looks.

15. Blame it on PMS: Just say the words "cramp," "tampon" or “period” and men instantly let you have your way.

And then everyone will blame your legitimate anger or sadness on PMS, even when you're not on the rag!

16. Grow out our hair: We miss a haircut appointment and our hair just looks longer and sexier. Guys miss theirs and they start looking like they’re homeless.

Homeless people suck, and so do long-haired guys. Got it.

17. Cover up a zit: Both men and women are prone to blemishes, but one of the sexes has a multitude of concealers and creams at their disposal to cover them up.

Poor guys. It totally sucks when a guy wants some concealer for the zits he rarely gets by virtue of all that testosterone and lack of significant hormonal fluctuations, and that mean old lady at the cosmetic counter slaps his writs and tells him he's the wrong gender for cosmetics.

18. Get aroused without the entire room knowing it: We don’t have to cross our legs or grab the nearest textbook whenever we get turned on in public.

Yeah, I'm actually really happy about this particular difference. I don't envy random erections, at all.

19. Wear a thong: They make our ass look great and are a surefire way to turn on a guy. If a dude tried donning one, well, it would just look gross!

What, exactly, would be grosser about a man wearing a thong, compared to a woman wearing one? Is there a significant different between men's butts and women's? Who cares, anyway? Thongs are hideous and uncomfortable and actually look really stupid on everyone.

20. Get a manicure: Hanging at the nail salon is just a normal day for a woman. But a guy getting a mani/pedi is bound to get weird looks.

If this were even true anymore, it would not be worth celebrating that only women can get away with doing. And anyway, I don't know any woman who thinks sitting at a nail salon is part of a "normal" day. Who are these people? I am beginning to suspect their existence.

21. Make a longer list of our talents. The Askmen* list was pretty short with only ten measly items on it. Oh, well. Looks like we win again!

Cute! It's a boys vs. girls contest! I love these. Yay.

God, I hate Cosmo.

*I'll write a post about the Askmen checklist some other time.

Obligatory Superbowl Ad Post

Only, I'm going to talk about the ones I did like.



In this commercial, you have a group of women meeting for their book club. The host's husband comes downstairs and says goodbye, as he's off to do something more fun than a girly book club, until he sees that the ladies have Bud Light! So in order to get some Bud Light (these commercials act as though these people can never just go get their own), husband sticks around and pretends to be into the book club. Oh, look at how much he's willing to sacrifice -- acting like a girl! -- to get some Bud Light! Must be great beer... Not to mention, he's got a one-track mind, like all men. Beer, and ladies! Those are the desires that drive him, he just can't help it.

That's the obvious, run-of-the-mill sexism. What I liked was that the women were not portrayed as superficial airheads, and they were drinking beer. Not beer that was blatantly advertised as "girly," not beer that over-emphasized it's lack of carbs or calories, but just beer.

Beer companies never advertise to women! Ever! It's as though they believe that women are naturally born to loathe anything that doesn't taste like a strawberry filled with high fructose corn syrup.

Anyway. This pleased me.

And the next:



Once again, Bud Light FTW! I have exactly the same thing to say about this one as the last. There's the constant reinforcement that men are reckless, one-track-minded idiots, but there's a non-condescending, non-degrading portrayal of the women in the ad. The woman is the one who is trying to get them off the island, and succeeding in her specialized knowledge of electronics, and she's not portrayed as un-feminine (to be un-feminine, of course, would mean that she is unattractive and unpleasant).

Well, thanks, Bud Light, for noticing that not only are women not stupid, and not only do we not exist simply as an object of drunk men's desires, but that we also like beer!

...And next year, can you please try to show men being at least halfway human, as well?

"Doofy Husbands"

Sarah Haskins of Target Women fame has a video up about Doofy Husbands. As usual, it is absolutely hilarious. And, it touches on an interesting figure in pop culture: The incompetent, unintelligent, overweight man, who can hardly manage his own life without the help of his overly-responsible and under-appreciated wife. Danny wrote a recent post about fatphobia directed at fat men in particular that touches on this current trend (a long-lasting one too, I might add) in pop culture and every day life.

Some might find it questionable how this particular trend-- the one that plays on stereotypes and not only perpetuates, but encourages the idea that men are stupid and worthless-- has anything to do with advertisements that market to women in a way that perpetuates and encourages poor body image and low self esteem (which is the basis for Target Women).

Well, that's because it kind of doesn't have anything to do with women-- other than the fact that without women, these men would probably be dead or living in a box somewhere. Or so we're led to believe.

There's the standard argument that this portrayal is rooted in misogyny. How could it be, for this particular trend? Well, women are supposed to work extra hard and accept their husbands for just what they are... or, they don't mind being under-appreciated... or... no, I can't find an actual argument that makes any kind of sense. I actually thought I was going to be able to.

Anyway, needless to say, I disagree. But the reason why I disagree is not only because the trend is actually something negative about men, and not having much of anything to do with women, it is overshadowed by what I think is more relevant:

It seems as though the writers of these commercials and television shows like King of Queens or Home Improvement (among so many countless others) are writing these female characters as Smart & Capable Woman vs. Slow & Incompetent Man in order to make up for all of the past roles women were given where they were constantly portrayed as weak, helpless, and usually unintelligent. Their version of responding to the feminist movement. Instead of writing leading male and female characters who both have strengths and weaknesses that are equally celebrated and also made fun of in the name of humor, they do the opposite and create an illusion that women are actually the rulers of the world, only in our own little under-appreciated and uncompensated mini-world where the men actually end up getting all the credit, and we stand back, proud of ourselves, shaking our heads and chuckling about the way it all turned out.

It's not helping either gender with breaking out of harmful stereotypes and unrealistic expectations based on our gender. It's only creating new ones where women rule the world, and men are just humble, dumb servants. It obfuscates the point, which is that we should all be treated equally and not judged on our gender alone. Women don't need overcompensation for past oppressive media representations. We don't need to switch roles and have power instead. And when it comes to media, we just need to be accurately and respectfully portrayed.

Really, that's all.

Painting men to be lazy, fat idiots, homely, and otherwise undesirable doesn't do any justice to anyone. It takes the negative representation off of women and places it, instead, on men. The goal of feminism is not for women to someday take over the world; it's to fight for the equality of men and women, in a society where women are currently, in general, at a disadvantage to men.

Furthermore, as a writer for any of these shows, do you ever notice how in the attempt to make women look powerful and intelligent, you're still perpetuating unrealistic expectations of women? While the woman is supposedly all-knowing, capable, and "really" the head of the household, they are still stick-thin, conventionally attractive, and doting mothers? Are we still not able to show an average-looking female that we can take seriously on television? While non-"conventionally attractive" men are still frequently portrayed as stupid, unattractive, and unmasculine, there are still roles available for overweight, homely, male actors where their characters are meant to be taken seriously and respected.

It's just... ridiculous. All across the board. And it's still popular! I don't understand. There isn't a person alive who shouldn't have a problem with this. I guess it's easier to just turn off criticism and laugh.

Sexist morning show hosts and the stupid things that come out of their mouths

Disclaimer: I know, I know. It's waaaay too easy to pick on people, and opinions, like the ones I'm about to rip on. But... this one touched a nerve.

I'm not sure what "morning shows" are like in other areas, but here in the Twin Cities, they tend to be comprised of a group of DJs, headed by a 30- or 40-something dude, with two or three 20-something dudes to laugh and "yeah" at the 30- or 40-year-old's diberately offensive jokes, and a token 20-something chick, to get repeatedly interrupted by the dudes, and apparently satisfy a quota of some kind. They spend 4 of the wee morning hours bantering about absolutely nothing of any relevance and spouting off opinions about any number of things that they aren't qualified to accurately analyze.

One of the morning shows I am referring to is the Dave Ryan Show at KDWB (the local Top 40 station). There's Dave, the main dude who's been hosting the show for like, a century; and Lena, the latest in revolving 20-something, quota-fulfilling chicks who appears to be second in command or something, as I tend to hear her "yeah, like, I think that [totally bigoted nonsense opinion, related in some way or another to pop culture and news headlines]" almost as often as I hear Dave say, "Seriously? I know way better than these other people because I know better than they do."

Then there's Steve-O and Crisco, whose main purposes seem to be chiming in every so often as the (still terrible and wildly offensive) Voice of Reason when Dave or Lena says something completely over the top. Oh, and their incessant paid advertisements about how they used to be fat, but as a result of spending lots of money on a manufactured diet product, now they're not!! So you should buy it.

Anyway.

So, I work in an office setting, where we're able to have radios at low volume or use headphones, as long as we can still hear the dreaded phone ring, so I take advantage of this and have gotten what I listen to, and when, down to a science. My favorite thing to listen to while at work is talk radio. I start by listening to the Dave Ryan show when I get in at 8, and usually switch to NPR once the boring shows end, between 9 and 10. The thing is, I understand that when they say their usual offensive crap, it's mostly exaggerated and mostly for ratings. I get that it's entertainment and not a news and serious commentary show. I expect that most people are reasonable and not hateful. I can ignore it well enough and just pay attention to the parts that are entertaining to me. But man, sometimes someone just goes over the top, and sounds way too genuine for comfort.

This morning, Dave was discussing Chris Brown's recent profanity-laced Twitter updates about how Wal-Mart was supposedly blacklisting him because they didn't have his new album in stock.* Chris Brown apparently went nuts about it, all over the internet, complete with all kinds of swear words and a plethora of other garbage for one to roll their eyes about.

Today, it was discovered that Wal-Mart does, in fact, carry the album; they were simply sold out of them at the time that Chris Brown visited their particular location.

Right, he's an idiot. Forgettable recording artist gets mad because he assumes that the reason that people don't want to buy his terrible CD is because he beat up his girlfriend at the time, Rihanna. Turns out, while he should have been right, he wasn't, and so now he looks stupid.

Dave Ryan then begins to discuss Chris Brown's dumbassery, and then further elaborates about how he feels that women's rights groups haven't adequately -- or ever -- addressed the issue of Chris Brown assaulting Rihanna, and then surmises that this could possibly be because all we feminists think Chris Brown is just so cute. What's wrong with these women? A high-profile guy beats up his high-profile girlfriend, it's all over the news, and these feminists have nothing to say about it! Must be because they think he's hot!! Also, Dave Ryan is ashamed that we aren't outside of Wal-Mart, calling for nationwide boycotts.

No, Dave Ryan, you fucking moron. You're wrong. And you clearly pay absolutely no attention whatsoever to women's rights activists or any feminist community. Know how I know this?

Here, Dave Ryan, let me Google that for you.

Or, we could be a little easier on you. Maybe the words "feminist" and "response" are too much for you to handle. Hell, we don't even have to type a complete phrase in order to find scores of relevant hits about feminist and women's rights activists responses to Chris Brown beating Rhiann.

If you go to the hugely popular feminist blog Feministing, and type "Chris Brown" into their search bar, the first page alone has 24 relevant hits.

Also, Dave Ryan, have you ever heard of that little organization called NOW? You know, the National Organization for Women, that one organization that likes to talk about silly lady stuff like gender equality and misogyny? How about the president of NOW, Terry O'Neill, whose been vocal and up-front about her history as a survivor of domestic violence? Have you heard of her? I assume you may have heard of NOW, considering the fact that you care so much about women who are victims of domestic abuse. And how much of a supporter you are of women's rights. Interesting, how, if you Google "NOW president," the fourth hit is "NOW president Terri O'Neill on Chris Brown."

Wasn't that exactly what it was you were claiming didn't exist? Because I'm pretty sure that the president of the nation's leading women's right's organization made a public statement about Chris Brown.

Also, Dave Ryan? NOW has a lot more to be concerned about than celebrities with entitlement issues. Like equal access to abortion, and other serious women's rights issues all over the news right now. Picketing local Sam Goodys? Not at the top of the priority list. But if you're so concerned, we'd be happy to cheer you on as you start a movement about something that you're so clearly passionate about.

So, Dave Ryan, and Lena Svenson, and your deliberately oblivious cohorts, could you please at least attempt to know what the fuck you're talking about before you spout off a bunch of inaccurate nonsense all over the airwaves? Women who don't give a fuck about what Chris Brown looks like will be grateful.

Thanks.

*I tried to find an audio clip of the segment of the morning show that I was referencing, but was unable to. Once/If I find one, I'll update the post with the link.