Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Did the patriarchy write this?


For fun, I will debunk Cosmo's stupid checklist about what women can do that men can't.

1. Get pregnant: Sure, guys contribute but they’ll never get as close (literally!) as we get to our own babies.

YAY! Everyone I know who's been pregnant is superhappy that she's the one who gets to go through hours and hours of excruciating pain. On the other hand, many women love the experience of pregnancy. This one's all right-- but I wouldn't necessarily call it awesome. After all, with the ability to become pregnant comes the obvious pain and otherwise crappy side-effects, doctors who don't listen to your preferences when it comes to giving birth, know-it-all friends and family, the inability to choose whether or not to remain pregnant without people having a very painful opinion about it, and of course, being murdered.

2. Fake it: Cue the famous scene from When Harry Met Sally. Enough said.

Wait, are you saying that we're supposed to like "faking it"? When did this become an enviable thing to do? If you're consistently faking it, there's a problem with your sex life that isn't being addressed. It probably has something to do with being insecure, having an inconsiderate partner, or some variation of both.

3. Ask for directions: We have no problem pulling over and asking for help. Consulting the GPS doesn't count either, boys.

Feminist critique? Of course we don't have a problem asking for help. It's all we have after having the feeling of being helpless and incompetent ingrained into our systems from day one.

4. Look sexy while sipping fruity cocktails: What guy do you know can look hot with a pink drink in his hand? Oh, and by the way, we look damn good drinking beer too.

Way to make fun of men who like fruity drinks. This could also be easily read as homophobic. Also, where have you been? Women are routinely ridiculed for apparently only liking fruity, pink drinks with umbrellas in them. When is this actually seen as a positive thing? Oh, right, when men can't do it because of a societal expectation to not look feminine. Right.

5. Live longer: It’s a fact, women live five to ten years longer than men. Plenty of time to take a few more vacations, have a few more orgasms, and maybe hook another hubby.

This is all fine and dandy until you mention stupid things, like finding more husbands. Thanks for reaffirming that we should only care about dudes.

6. Have multiple orgasms: No need for us to wait and, um, reload.

Good point, although many men are capable of multiple orgasms, so this is only a good point if you don't consider the inaccuracy of it.

7. Multitask: We can talk to our BFF on the phone, while watching America’s Next Top Model and doing lunges. No sweat.

I love talking to my BFF on the phone about how I'm doing lunges so I can feel like I'm a worthy person while I watch a bunch of uberskinny hot chicks compete for the title of Skinniest Hot Chick, or Hottest Skinny Chick. Makes me feel awesome.

8. Get a new last name: Or just drop it all together, à la Fergie and Madonna.

My husband changed his last name, as did I. Actually, if you want to change your name, all you have to do is fill out some paperwork and go to court. Male or female. Pretty straightforward. You don't even have to be getting married.

9. Wear skirts: They keep us sooo much cooler in the summer than men’s shorts. Plus, a hot mini is sure to score us a few free drinks at the bar.

It's becoming painfully difficult to avoid sarcasm here. Guys can wear skirts, too. There aren't any real rules regarding what men and women can wear-- only social norms. Stop reinforcing them. And we all know that the more free drinks you accept from a stranger at a bar, the more you're expected to have sex with the dude buying them for you. Because at bars, single women are apparently viewed as prostitutes-- only, we'll accept beer and fruity alcoholic crap instead of cash.

10. Get out of a speeding ticket: A little smile and a “Sorry, officer” is all it takes to get off scot-free.

Except when it isn't. Like all the times I got speeding tickets, no matter how hot I looked.

11. Become a cougar, not a dirty old man: Sure, the idea of an older man sounds hot, but the reality is often a skeezy shmuck. Cougars, however, are fierce. Like: Demi Moore.

Demi Moore is hot because she spent a great deal of money of extensive plastic surgery. She's able to be married to Ashton Kutcher because they look the same age, and they look the same age because of her plastic surgery.

12. Wing it on the dance floor...convincingly: Guys will be so busy checking out your shaking booty, they won’t even notice you’re not a great dancer.

Men are incapable of existing around women, because there are butts around! Oh god, don't let them see boobs, or they might start the place on fire!

13. Wear high-heels: They add four inches to our height and make our legs look fab. Hey guys, what do your ratty old sneakers do for your physique?

It doesn't matter what guys' ratty old sneakers do for their physique, because nobody associates shoes with a guy's attractiveness. Unlike women, who are constantly valued only for their physical appearances.

14. Flirt with the bouncer: We bat our eyes at the doorman and get in the door with no cover charge. If a guy were to try it, we’re thinking he might get kicked out of line.

We get in because we're women, not because we bat our eyelashes. Women get in because men will buy them drinks, and everyone wants to see a hot woman dancing. And let's please stop encouraging women to use "feminine wiles" to get what they want. That reinforces the idea that that's all we have. And that's infuriating to women like myself, who want to be accepted based on merit and character, not looks.

15. Blame it on PMS: Just say the words "cramp," "tampon" or “period” and men instantly let you have your way.

And then everyone will blame your legitimate anger or sadness on PMS, even when you're not on the rag!

16. Grow out our hair: We miss a haircut appointment and our hair just looks longer and sexier. Guys miss theirs and they start looking like they’re homeless.

Homeless people suck, and so do long-haired guys. Got it.

17. Cover up a zit: Both men and women are prone to blemishes, but one of the sexes has a multitude of concealers and creams at their disposal to cover them up.

Poor guys. It totally sucks when a guy wants some concealer for the zits he rarely gets by virtue of all that testosterone and lack of significant hormonal fluctuations, and that mean old lady at the cosmetic counter slaps his writs and tells him he's the wrong gender for cosmetics.

18. Get aroused without the entire room knowing it: We don’t have to cross our legs or grab the nearest textbook whenever we get turned on in public.

Yeah, I'm actually really happy about this particular difference. I don't envy random erections, at all.

19. Wear a thong: They make our ass look great and are a surefire way to turn on a guy. If a dude tried donning one, well, it would just look gross!

What, exactly, would be grosser about a man wearing a thong, compared to a woman wearing one? Is there a significant different between men's butts and women's? Who cares, anyway? Thongs are hideous and uncomfortable and actually look really stupid on everyone.

20. Get a manicure: Hanging at the nail salon is just a normal day for a woman. But a guy getting a mani/pedi is bound to get weird looks.

If this were even true anymore, it would not be worth celebrating that only women can get away with doing. And anyway, I don't know any woman who thinks sitting at a nail salon is part of a "normal" day. Who are these people? I am beginning to suspect their existence.

21. Make a longer list of our talents. The Askmen* list was pretty short with only ten measly items on it. Oh, well. Looks like we win again!

Cute! It's a boys vs. girls contest! I love these. Yay.

God, I hate Cosmo.

*I'll write a post about the Askmen checklist some other time.